I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
