Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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