Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
