No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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