dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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