I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
