6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
