I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Let's get the cat blown out
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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