why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
