I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
