u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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