i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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