I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
