Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
