She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
