I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
