i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
