i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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