when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
