And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
