I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
