come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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