I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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