If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
