I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
