apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
