My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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