We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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