your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
