life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
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I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
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Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize