I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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