Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
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Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
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HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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