Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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