It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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