Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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