I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
