just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
