I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
