you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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