dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
