You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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