I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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