Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
