i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
