Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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