Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
