What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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