please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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