They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
