Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
