I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Randomize
