the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
