She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
two words...techno handjob
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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