Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
