Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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