Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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