I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
