I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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